October
by anne-bellee
Summary: This is a new story, a brainchild, if you will. As Katniss rises out of her PTSD after losing her unborn, her and Peeta become closer than ever. Needing each other for support, they rely on each other to keep themselves grounded. Bonds grow bigger, and hearts grow larger as lives are set into perfect balance. Reviews are greatly appreciated.
1. Chapter 1: Change

I wake to the smell of fresh bread; the morning sunlight just barely peeking through the window. I reach over next to me, wishing to find Peeta, but knowing that I won't. As I turn over in bed, I hear gentle foot steps making their way towards me.

"Katniss." I slowly peer through one open eye as Peeta sits next to me on the bed.

"Hey.." I reply, grogily trying to wipe the sleep from my eyes. "How are you feeling?" I try to sit up in bed, squinting my eyes as the sunlight sears them.

"Better, just a little nauseous." He gently smoothes my hair down the back of my head, moving his hand down to the small of my back, rubbing small circles.  
"You have a doctor's appointment this morning. I'm going with you, I took off work."

I smile and lean into his warm touch, burying my face into his shoulder. "But first, you need to get out of bed." I groan and throw myself under the blanket, trying to drown out the outside world.

I hear a small laugh as I feel myself being lifted from the bed, the warmth and safety of the covers being ripped away. "Nooo.." I struggle to kick my legs, but I give up just as I start.

Peeta sets me down on the cold tiled floor of the bathroom, and I jump at the sudden change in temperature.

"Hey, you should take a shower, and then meet me downstairs, I made you breakfast." He gives me a warm smile, then places a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Fine..." I want to protest, but I know that I need to shower.

"Hey, I love you." He laughs as he buries his face into the crook of my neck. "Haha, I love you too." I smile as I wrap my arms around his back. I try to keep my hold on him when he tries to let go, but I eventually let him leave.

* * *

As soon as I step from the shower, I sigh at the sudden delicious smells emitting from the air.

I slowly make my way to the bedroom, throwing on a pair of loose sweatpants, along with one of Peeta's t-shirts. I lift the soft fabric to my nose and breathe in his scent. The thought of him makes me smile, and butterflies that I feel make my stomach flip.

When I realize that he's downstairs waiting for me, I make my way down and into the kitchen where I find Peeta with his head down on the table.

I walk over to him and gently run my fingers through his soft blonde hair.

He lifts his head at the sudden touch, and smiles at me when he sees me wearing his shirt.  
"You do have your own clothes you know." He laughs, as he gets up from the table, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I laugh and wrap my arms around his neck. "I know, but yours are more comfortable." He sighs into my neck, and I can feel him smiling against my skin.  
We both let out a laugh when we hear my stomach growling.

"Hey, I think someone's hungry." I smile at him as I cross my arms over the barely visable bump forming on my abdomen. "Yeah, I am pretty hungry, I guess." I notice a small smile creeping up on his lips, but it quickly disappears when he looks away.

* * *

We sit in silence for a while as I sit chewing on the straw that was placed in my juice. Slowly but surely, I lose my appetite. I sit staring at the food intended for me to eat, not being able to bring myself to do it.

"You should really eat.." I lift my head when Peeta's voice brings me back into reality. His voice hazy in my mind, just another sound jumbled around inside my head.

"What?" I strain to get out. I lift my eyes just enough to see the worried, pained look in his eyes.  
"I said, you should really eat. You need to" I lower my head in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I would disappear. "Katniss.." no such luck.

"You know, this time could be it." His voice is just a whisper, but I know he means best. "We thought that last time, Peeta.." I look up just enough to see his eyes glued to the table. His hands slightly trembling.

"I feel different. Like this could be it. This could really be it, Katniss."

I don't say anything, just sit in silence, wishing i could just forget. Pain shoots through my chest, and I begin to feel as if I might suffocate. Maybe it would be better if I did.

Finally, after several moments of silence, I decide to talk.

"I just don't think I can go through that again, Peeta. I cant." I can't bring myself to look at him. I can't have him looking at me like I'm always wounded.

"Katniss, it wasn't anything you could have prevented. These things happen. And if it was meant to happen, then it was meant to happen." I try to look at him, tears threatening to spill over.

I try to bring myself to say something, but I choke on my words, failing to speak. Finally, after several moments of trying to talk, but failing, I break down, letting the waves of pain rack my body. I wrap my arms around my stomach, rocking back and forth, trying to think of a better time, a happier place.

I feel arms wrap around me as I'm lifted from my chair. "Hey, you're ok. I'm here. I'm always here."

I hide my head in the crook of Peeta's neck, shutting my eyes, hoping to just disappear from the world.  
He sits down on the couch, cradling me against his chest. I can tell he's cooing soothing words, but I can't bring myself to listen. He's running his fingers through my hair, whispering sweet nothing's to me.

* * *

I hear muffled sounds, trying to decipher where they're coming from. I try to bring myself back into reality, and strain to focus on the figures in front of me. "Mrs. Mellark, I think you should take a look at this."

I can hear talking, but I can't understand what's being said. "Mrs. Mellark?" I begin to re-surface into reality, lifting my head from the table I have been lying on. "What?" I turn my head to the monitor in front of me, dreading to see yet another silent heartbeat of someone ill never know.

Instead, my ears are filled with a steady swishing sound emitting from the speakers. I can feel a smile creeping onto my face as I look around for Peeta, who's already at my side, squeezing my hand as if it may fall off at any moment.

"That's your baby, Mrs. Mellark." Tears threaten to spill from my eyes, as I look up at Peeta, who's eyes have already begun to water. "That.. that's it? That's really the heartbeat?" I can feel the struggle in Peeta's voice as he attempts to communicate with the nurse.

"Yes. And one of the strongest I've ever encountered." The nurse smiles at him, and gives a small nod, addressing that she's going to give us some time alone. When I hear the soft creak of the door closing, I sit up just enough for Peeta to have his arms wrapped around me within seconds, sharply breathing in as his head fits into my neck.

I can feel him smiling against my throat when he begins to speak, "Katniss.. I love you so much." Trying to wrap mind around what's really happening, I inhale deeply, my first breath in a while. "Peeta.. I love you too. This.." I choke on my words as he catches my lips, trapping me with a gentle kiss.

"Katniss, this is my life now. You're my life now. I love you so much.. And this-" he places his hand gently on my abdomen, "-is my life." Every emotion is attempting to force itself upon me at once, filling me with nothing more than pure joy. I smile up at Peeta, as I capture his lips with mine in a kiss. Happiness consumes me. "Lets go home." I feel him whisper into my hair.

* * *

I wake that night screaming of mutts and lost children. The fear from many years consumes me like fire, spreading throughout my entire body.

Shaking, I begin to feel as if I cant breathe, struggling to stay above darkness that threatens to consume me. I scream as if I may actually be dying; reaching for something, anything to keep me from this.

It's only when I feel his arms around me that I begin to surface back to reality. Back to where I know to be safe.

Horrifying sobs rack my body as I try not to lose my sanity. Vision blurring, voices echo throughout the darkness that still surrounds me.

"No!" I scream as I feel myself being dragged back under; a place no-one should ever have to be. Crying, screaming, pleading for a way out. "Katniss, Katniss please." I struggle against the arms that restrain me.

"Katniss, please.. you need to calm down.." I try to focus on the voice that speaks to me through the darkness. "Peeta! Peeta please!"

Screaming, I find myself being held down by a body. "Peeta!" "Katniss, it's me, Peeta. Please stay with me." I'm dragged under into unknown darkness.

* * *

Light begins to trickle into my vision, calmness slowly filling me until my body only shakes with a more silent cry.

I feel myself beginning to relax, my pulse turning to normal. I breathe a shaky breathe, as I try to sit up, realizing I'm being held by a pair of arms. Peeta.

I try to nuzzle closer to his warmth, when I feel him stirring. "Peeta.." I whisper. He rolls over, facing me, a tired smile appearing on his face. "Hey.." Butterflies fill my stomach at the sound of his sleepy voice, filled with strain from the lack of sleep the night before.

"I'm so sorry.." I say as I feel the tears begin to form in my eyes. "Katniss, please.. this isn't you're fault, alright? It's the first time this has happened in months." I try to move closer, but I know I can't.

Short sobs course throughout my body, as Peeta places his head on top off mine, kissing the top of my head, holding me. "I'm not going to the bakery today, I'm staying with you. Ok?" He gently squeezes me, whispering soothing words into my ear.

"I love you so much, ok? Remember that." I smile into his chest, "I love you too."

As I begin to drift off to sleep, i feel Peeta try to maneuver himself out of bed without waking me. I quickly reach out and fist his shirt in my hand. "Please, stay with me..? At least until I'm asleep?"

The feeling of loneliness begins to consume me as I feel myself beginning to shake. Peeta lowers himself back onto the bed, lifting the covers to let himself back in beside me. "Yeah.. always." he barely makes a whisper.

I curl myself up to him, as close as I can get, and place my head against his chest, breathing in his scent. Fisting his shirt in both of my palms so that he won't disappear, I try to fall asleep, drifting off into a dreams wasteland.

* * *

Painful flashback flood my memory, the only thing remaining on my mind is having to watch my lifeless child being taken from me. Barely 5 months along, watching the monitor as a silence so thick fills the room, feeling as if I could scream; wanting so badly to disappear and hide among the darkness.  
Having to hold the lifeless body of my still born child, before she even had the chance to take a real breath, killed something inside of me that I didn't even know was possible.

I didn't know that you could hurt so much.

I've lost so many people throughout my life. Fighting for the greater good, not knowing that their life was about to disappear right before their eyes.  
But for a life to end before it even begins, is what really breaks a person.


	2. Chapter 2: Wounded

I wake with a searing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

As I jump out of bed, I try to maintain my balance while running to the bathroom before crashing to my knees in front of the toilet, losing anything from the day before. Trying to catch my breath, I slowly stand, looking myself over in the mirror.

The black circles forming under my eyes stand out against my porcelain skin. My hair, that was once in a braid, hangs loosely down my back, a strange mess of tangles needed to be tended to.

I lightly trace a yellowing bruise on my arm with my tender fingers, figuring that I must have acquired it from my thrashing last night. It's generously large, slightly bigger than a hand. "Katniss?" Peeta stands in the doorway, a glass of water in hand. "Oh, hey.." he looks me over carefully, from my eyes to where my hand still lingers.

"I must have done this last night.. it's nothing, really." Slowly, he steps towards me, setting the glass of water down on the counter.

Gently, he takes my arm in his hand, and slowly runs his fingers over the bruise, stopping only when I cringe at the slight pain it causes. "I did this." His eyes are downcast, never meeting my own, still tracing circles on my forearm. "No, Peeta. It was an accident." I reassure him. "I was just trying to keep you from hurting yourself."

His eyes never leave the floor. "I know, Peeta. It's ok."

I give a small laugh, and lift his head so that he's looking at me. "At least I didn't smack you in the face, like last time." He smirks, letting out a slight laugh, frowning when he notices my flushed face.

"Did you get sick?" He asks, crinkling his nose at the sight of my sickly color. "Yeah, first time in a while. It wasn't so pleasant." I try to flash a small smile as Peeta pulls me in for a hug.

"I'm sorry about last night, and I'm sorry you're sick." He whispers into my neck. "I'm fine, really."

He steps back, putting a few feet between us. "I'm going to make you some soup, please rest." I agree to letting him cook for me, as he steps forward, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

Before he goes through the door, I stop him, saying, "wait, can you make me a cheese bun, also, please?" He laughs before shaking his head in agreement. "Anything for you, my darling."

* * *

It's around noon when I hear the knocking at the door. I groan as I roll over, lifting myself from the bed. I move across the room, listening as I hear Peeta greeting whoever just stepped through the door. Shuffling and muffled sounds are all I hear when I walk back to the mirror, looking myself over.

I throw on a pair of dark washed skinny jeans, with a pale, yellow long sleeved shirt that hangs loosely over my growing belly. My hair flows down my back, but I decide to braid it, letting it fall over my left shoulder.

I make my way down the wooden stairs of our home, pondering through my mind at who could be here. The faint smell of roasted vegetables and tomato soup hits my senses, and I sigh in relief.

As I step into the room, I notice a familiar figure leaning against the fireplace mantle, making small talk with Peeta.

"Haymitch." I smile, as he turns around to face me, a smile spreading across his face. "Hey, sweetheart." He says as I make my way into his open arms.

"Where have you been? How are you?" I manage to stutter, excitement filling my every being at the arrival of our old mentor.

"I've been in the Capital, making further preparations for the other districts." He replies as he steps away from me. His eyes skirt mine, wandering down to my arms, which are crossed over my stomach.

"You two have anything you wish to tell me?" my eyes quickly dart to Peeta's, who I know is thinking the same. We haven't told anyone ye  
t, fearing something similar would happen like last time.

"Yeah, well-" I get cut off. "You're pregnant." I can see the smile creeping onto his lips. I nod in agreement, as he steps back to look at me, as if he's analyzing every little detail.

"Really?" he turns to Peeta, who's expression is confusion. "Yeah, Haymitch. Really." Peeta gives me a small smile as he makes his way over to me, placing his hand on the small of my back.

"Come on," Peeta says, guiding me to the dining table. "I made enough for the three of us." He motions towards Haymitch, signaling him to take a seat.

* * *

"It's been a while." Haymitch finally says, giving us both an apologetic look. "Yeah, it has." I look down at my fidgeting fingers at the edge of the table, almost wishing I could become invisible.

"You two ready?" I shoot him a confused look, indifferent on whether I understand what he's trying to say.

I guess he senses I don't understand, because he says, "Ready to become parents?"  
"Haymitch, we've been waiting for this. Of course we're ready." Peeta replies gently, half smiling at me, causing chills to run down my spine.

"I know it's been difficult before, and it's been a hell of a time getting here, but this is what I want, Haymitch. I'm finally happy." I shyly smile down at the table before looking up to find Haymitch with a sappy smile on his face.

"I'm happy for you, sweetheart. I really am." He says to me, taking a bite of the cheese bun placed at the center of our round dining table. "It's been a long time since I've seen you. Since I've seen you happy."

He's right. For as long as I can remember, it's been slow around here.

* * *

Since we lost our first child, I fell into a darker place as chronic depression took me over.

For a while, Haymitch would come around here and now, bringing food that would remain untouched for months. Eventually, he left to return to the Capital, leaving Peeta and I to ourselves.

It was the same routine for as long as I can remember. I would wake every night screaming; screaming for a life I didn't know. Peeta would be there, always. Holding me, helping me as I fought to stay above the darkness that threatened to pull me under.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't bring myself to even speak.

I'm surprised, but so overly grateful, that Peeta was willing to stay with me.

For the longest time, all I could do was cry, and hold myself as the feeling of darkness consumed me. Painful sobs would rack my body as I tried so hard to keep myself from giving in to the need for an escape from this life.

Peeta would come home every day from work to an emotionless, speechless girl, who just wanted so badly to disappear from this burdensome, wretched world.

But he would hold me, and never let go. "I'm here." He would reassure me. "Always."

He would sit with me while my hot tears would soak through his shirt, holding me against his chest as if he could squeeze the pain from me.

And he would cry.

* * *

But a year and a half passed, and I began to feel better, lighter, happier.

Peeta would walk me through the meadow, reminding me that he loves me, always. We would walk to Prims grave, as I sat and talked to her. I would cry as tears would fall onto the roses I had placed. I would tell her that I miss her, wishing so badly to be able to feel her tender arms around me again. But I let her know how I was feeling, that I was getting better, happier. She would want this, my happiness.

She would want me to have a life that was worth something, something fulfilling.

And so I began to smile.


	3. Chapter 3: Healing

It's late into the month of March, the crisp freshness of spring making its way around District 12. I inhale deeply as I make my way to the bakery, a slight hint of smoke fills my lungs. That's always been one of my favorite things about my district, my home. The comforting scent of wood and bread.

I tighten the coat I'm wearing around me, wrapping my arms around my middle as I walk through the bakery door.

"Katniss." Peeta lifts his head at the sound of the bell, and smiles widely as he watches me stroll over to the front counter. "Afternoon, baker." I giggle as he walks around the counter and pulls me in for a hug. He buries his head in the crook of my neck and inhales deeply.

"What brings you here this fine evening?" He gives me a crooked smile, leading me around to a booth just across the room. We settle into the seats, and I watch him sit down across from me, taking my hands in his own.

"I just wanted to see you." He smiles brightly, eyes never leaving mine. "It gets pretty lonely around there."

I drop my gaze to watch him playing with my fingers. "Well I'm happy to see you." He smiles. "Oh, I almost forgot. Hold tight." He jumps up from his seat, his bright blue eyes filled with joy. "What?"

I watch him scurry into the back room, accidentally slamming the door behind him. As I wait for him to return, I walk over to the counter, peering through the glass top at the assortment of bread.

"Here." I look to my left and watch as he walks over to me, nodding his head back towards the booth. We settle in again, and I watch as he removes a rectangular piece of paper from his pants pocket. He hands the paper to me, and I look at it, confused. It's two pieces together, one side has one color, and the other has a different.

"They're paint samples." He looks at me, waiting for a response.

"I don't understand." He takes the paper from my hands, and holds them out in front of him, facing me. "They're for the nursery." I look down until he speaks again.

"This one-" He points to the color on the left, a pale, sky blue color, a shade lighter than his eyes. "-is for if we have a boy." He smiles, and I examine the color in my mind, trying to imagine the color on the walls as I hold my beautiful baby boy.

"And this color-" He points to the color on the right, a very faint shade of pink. "Is for if we have a girl."

I look away, squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I can, trying to clear my mind. Images flood my memory, I try to forget.

"I'm sorry love, I didn't mean.." I cut him off. "No. No.. It's fine. I'm fine." I force a smile, and offer him my hand. I'm not fine.

We both turn our heads as the bell chimes above the door, signaling the arrival of a customer. "We'll talk about this later." He gives me a weak smile, releasing my hand, and places a gentle kiss on my lips. I watch him disappear behind the counter.

* * *

Although spring has finally arrived, the air is cool against my skin. I gently close the window, the draft becoming too much for comfort. The sun is just beginning to set in the distance, the sky glowing a light orange.

I walk back over to the lit fireplace, and sit myself down in front of it, curling the soft wool blanket around me, cocooning myself from the world.

I find myself staring aimlessly into the burning embers, watching the wood crumble and crack beneath the flame.

I hear the front door quietly open, but don't acknowledge, keeping my eyes fixated on the fire. Steady foot steps echo throughout the room, stopping behind me. I hear a bag hit the floor with a thud. I still don't acknowledge the presence.

I feel him drop to the floor. His arms wrap around me, as his legs straddle me from behind, pulling me closer. He leans his head on top of mine, kissing the crown.

I lean into his embrace, enjoying his silent presence. "I'm sorry about earlier." Peeta whispers softly, kissing just below my ear. "I'm sorry too.." I admit, letting him trail soft kisses down my neck.

He moves my loose hair over my shoulder, twisting it between his fingers. I let out a sigh as he kisses the soft flesh above my collar bone. He knows me all too well.

"I didn't like seeing you upset." He says

"I'm fine, really." I reply, leaning further into his touch.

I turn my head around, craning my neck to place a soft kiss on his lips. He smiles against my mouth, kissing me back with a little more fire. He gently pulls me closer, turning me so that I'm completely facing him, fisting my hair in his right hand while holding my head to his. Holding me as if I might disappear right from his grasp.

I let out a quiet, low moan, placing my hands on his chest, feeling his muscles move and contract with every breath. He holds my head in his hands as he pulls away, looking me in the eyes.

"My dear, you continue to drive me crazy." He manages to say with a labored breath, his eyes filled with an all too familiar look.

I blush, and he moves a stray hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear. "I love you so much." He smiles, and kisses me again. This time, slow and gentle.

I melt into his embrace, whimpering when he pulls away. "I love you too." I manage to say, tracing from his forehead and down along his jaw with my fingertips. He keeps his eyes locked on mine as I gently glide my fingers through his soft, curly blonde locks. He smiles when I lean in to give him another kiss, my hand still locked onto his hair on the back of his head.

He pulls away after a few seconds, tracing circles on my arms with his thumbs. "It's getting late."

I look at him through half lidded eyes, pouting my lower lip. "You need to rest, love." He traces his thumb along my pouted lip, letting out a small laugh as he tilts my chin up to place another gentle kiss on my lips.

He pulls away, helping me up as he stands. I start to walk towards the stairs when I feel his arms trap me in a strong embrace.

"Oh no you don't." He laughs as he picks me up, cradling me in his arms.

"Peeta, I can walk." I let out a high pitched squeal and kick my legs in protest.

"A princesses feet shall never touch the ground." He says in an exaggerated, charming voice. "You're too good to me." I whisper, wrapping my arms around his neck. I lean my head against his chest as he pushes the bedroom door open with his foot. He gently deposits me onto my side of the bed, pulling the covers up to my waist.

He quickly strips from his work clothes, leaving him in only a pair of sweat shorts. He crawls into bed next to me, pulling me against his chest.

"I love you." He says, kissing down my neck. "I love you too." I smile at the feeling of his touch.

I begin to drift off to sleep, smiling as he drapes his arm over me, holding me as close as he can, as if I might vanish from thin air. Sleep consumes me, and soon, darkness.

* * *

I wake with a start, quickly turning over towards Peeta who's sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"Peeta..? Are you ok..?" I start to scoot over to him, placing my hands gently on his back.

"Katniss, please. I need you to get out." I begin to protest, not wanting to leave his side. "I don't want to hurt you. Not like last time." His pupils dilated, not a trace of blue in his eyes.

"Peeta, look at me." He shakes his head, keeping it in his hands, grabbing his hair and holding on. I know he's having a battle within himself, struggling to find the strength to fight it.

"Look at me." I say again, looking for any sign of change. His gaze meets mine, no longer the eyes I've come to know; these, cold and empty. His hands shake furiously as I take his head in my hands, forcing him to keep eye contact. I press my forehead to his, grazing my thumb along the side of his face.

"It's not real Peeta. You're ok. I'm here." His eyes close tightly, shaking his head, trying to fight off the flashbacks that continue to plague his memories.

"Peeta, please." I beg, so badly wanting him to escape from this.

"Here." I whisper, taking his hands in my own. "Let's play 'Real or Not real'." He slowly nods his head in agreement.

"Youre having a baby, real or not real?" He asks quietly, his gaze strayed away from my own. "Real." I say, smiling slightly. At least he isn't losing complete control of himself.

His next words throw me off guard. "You lost your first baby. Our baby. Real or not real?" My head nods slowly, tears swelling in my eyes. "Real, Peeta. Real." He finally lifts his eyes to meet mine, his gaze unwavering.

"It was my fault. Real or not real?" My mouth quivers, but I hold in the urge to break down. A pulse of pain shoots itself throughout my body. "No, Peeta. Not real." I look down. He's holding his head again. "Not real.." I exhale deeply, tracing the lines on his forehead with my fingers gently. His whole body shudders at the contact.

I sit with him for what seems like forever, responding to his questions, always assuring him that I'm here. Holding him as the memories twist and contort themselves inside of his head. Helping him decipher what is real and what is not. And hold him as his screams echo throughout the house.

"You love me. Real or not real..?" He finally whispers after several moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Real, Peeta. I love you." He seems to relax slightly, rubbing my hand with his thumb. I lift his head to meet my own, his eyes almost returning fully back to normal, the pupils only dilated slightly. Relaxing a bit, he leans against the headboard now, holding my hands in his.

"You love me. Real?" I whisper. His eyes lock onto mine, a small smile forming on his mouth. "Real."

He grabs me from the back of my head and crashes his lips to mine, fisting my loose hair in his palm. It's a slow and gentle kiss, but it's enough to send my mind whirling, causing my heart to race uncontrollably.

I lock my hands into his hair, deepening the kiss, pulling slightly, grinning against his lips when I hear him groan at the contact. Still holding my hair, he moves it away from my neck as to give him access to the sensitive skin.

"Peeta." I whisper, trying not to lose my sanity. I attempt to protest, being its 3am, but my mouth can't seem to find the words.

He laces tiny kisses from my jaw, down to my shoulder, trailing his left hand down my waist, squeezing the tender skin. I let out a sigh as he grazes back up my throat, his lips capturing mine in a heated kiss.

"I-" I stop myself from saying anything more, not wanting him to stop.

Pushing my hands against his chest, I feel his muscles contract at my touch. I moan against his shoulder, muffling the sound. He groans quietly when I push off my knees, straddling him.

I gently dig my hips against his, sending tingles down my spine at the familiar sensation. I interlace my fingers into his hair again, pulling harder as to pull him flush against my body, nipping at the soft skin below his ear.

His hands shake as he holds me tightly against him, causing friction. My head spins; I press into him again, he returns the favor.

"Kat.." He groans, holding my hips, stilling them. He breaks away from me, breathing heavily, straining to catch his breath. I lean my forehead against his, closing my eyes, trying to catch my own.

"We can't." He says with an exasperated sigh. He bites his bottom lip, chewing on the tender flesh.

"You need sleep." I let out a quiet, frustrated sound. He moves a strand of stray hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear, holding his hand there for a moment.

"As much as I would love to rip your clothes off right now, you need the rest." He laughs, kissing my forehead.

Disappointed, I remove myself from his lap, laying back on the soft mattress. I turn away from him, curling my knees to my chest.

I feel him bring his chest against my back, placing his arms firmly around my middle, his left leg between my own. He kisses my neck, trailing them down to my shoulder.

"I love you. Please sleep." He holds me tightly against him, as if I might try to escape.

I listen to the sound of his breathing, feeling the rise and fall off his chest against me until his breaths are slow and even. Once I'm sure he's asleep, I surrender to the feeling of the darkness as it pulls me under. No nightmares come that night.


	4. Chapter 4: Broken and Breaking

_Hope you enjoy this chapter! The paragraphs that are italicized are quotes from the book "Frankenstein", and I used them because I thought they fit the theme of this chapter. So obviously, I don't own those words, or The Hunger Games, unfortunately. _

_Anyways, enjoy._

* * *

I stand in the doorway of the nursery, staring blankly at the bland, white walls which are filled with an empty feeling of what could have been. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I take slow, even breaths, trying to focus on nothing but the rhythm of my heart, trying to slow it.

"Hey, Kat.." I feel Peeta slide his hands down my arms slowly, the feeling of his hot breath tickles my ear as his hands fall to my waist, pulling me to him.

"How are you feeling?" He gently squeezes my waist, wrapping his arms around my middle, rubbing one of his thumbs along the small bump still beginning to form. I don't say anything.

"Katniss?" He turns me around, lifting my chin so that I'm looking into his eyes.

"Are you ok?" He looks over my shoulder into the empty room, his expression dropping when he notices tears pricking at my eyes. I fist his t-shirt in my hand as he drags his thumb across my cheek, not daring to allow my tears hit the floor.

"I just feel... overwhelmed." I choke. He pulls me to him, stroking my hair while rubbing his hand down my back slowly. "Katniss, you can't shut me out. You need to talk to me about these things." He whispers, pulling away slowly, holding on to me.

"I'm happy. I really am." I whisper, looking up into his eyes. Tears threaten to spill over my already damp cheeks. "I'm just scared."

"Kat, please." His eyes connect with mine.

"I'm so happy that you're happy. But you can't keep thinking like that." He smooths my hair down, keeping hold of my tangled braid.

"It's tearing me apart, the thought of..." I look down at the floor, tracing the lines of the wood with my toes.

"Up until the day I meet him, or her, I won't be ok." I choke on the words as sobs tear through my body. My hands are shaking at my sides, so I bring them up and press the heels of them against my eyes.

"Hey. Look at me." I slowly raise my eyes to meet his, a small smile playing on his lips. He gently places his right hand on my abdomen, resting his forehead on mine, slowly running his hand along the barely visable bump.

"I love you, ok? Ill always love you." I smile while I look down at his hand.

"I hope they have your eyes." I confess, watching his face light up while he continues to hold his hand in place. He pulls me to him, burying his face in my hair.

"I love you." I say, holding him as tightly as I can, never wanting to let go. He just stands there, holding me for what seems like forever. When he finally lets go, I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you." I manage. He gives a wide smile and kisses me, holding us together for a brief moment.

"Katniss Everdeen Mellark, what ever am I going to do with you?" I look up at him through watery eyes.

"Hold me. Hold me like you never want to let go." He takes me into his arms, wrapping himself completely around me. "Never." I bury my face into his neck, breathing in his scent. He twists his fingers into my hair, undoing the braid, letting it hang loose down my back, allowing him to twist it around his fingers.

"It's hard, I know. But you have to stay with me." He whispers against my neck.

"You're so strong, so unbelievably strong." I smile against his chest, inhaling deeply. I can feel my body shaking, his grip on me tightens. I try to hold in my sobs, I can't.

I feel myself slipping back into the darkness, pulling me under.

"It's ok to cry." He says gently, wiping tears from my face. I break.

My body goes limp, feeling as if I can't hold myself up. I'm falling apart, pain tearing through my body, unbearable pain.

_Instead of that serenity of conscience, I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe._

"Katniss, please. Look at me." He's holding me up with his own body, caressing my hair with his gentle hands. I lift my head up to meet his gaze, using all the strength I have left to muster.

"You have to stay with me." He whispers.

"I can't do this. I can't do this.." I become light headed, the room beginning to spin. I can feel myself slipping out of consciousness, The darkness threatening to pull me under once again.

_this state of mind preyed upon my health, which had perhaps entirely recovered from the first shock it had sustained. I shunned the face of man; all sound of joy or complacency was torture to me; solitude was my only consolation - deep, dark, dreamlike solitude. _

"You can't let me do this alone. You can't." I whisper, gripping his shirt in my hands until my knuckles turn white.

"No, never."

* * *

Much of District 12 is back to the way it was before, to the way I remember. The sights, the smells, everything screams of home. There's nowhere I would rather be.

The sun is just beginning to set as I make my way towards my home, our home, in the Victor's Village.

Walking up the steps, I step towards the door, opening it and stepping inside.

"Katniss." I freeze, unmoving, keeping the door open.

"Katniss?" I turn around slowly, facing the person calling my name.

"Gale?" I choke, fighting back tears. I run to him, crashing my body into his in a tight hug. I breathe him in, he still has his musky scent.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, pulling away, wrapping my arms around my middle to keep myself warm from the cool, chilly March air.

"It's been a few years, I thought I owed a visit." I just look at him, trying to read his tone.

"Four years, Gale. It's been four years. Not even a phone call." Not hearing from him led me to believe he had finally moved on from here, settled down, had a family of his own maybe. For a while, I was relieved that he didn't keep in contact. Part of me was glad he was gone.

"I'm sorry." He looks down before looking back up at me. "I'm sorry."

He looks me over. The way I stand, breathe, move. Everything, as if he's searching for something, anything, any sign that I'm the same girl he used to know. But I'm not. I'll never be.

His eyes land on my hands, which are crossed over my abdomen, gripping my sides.

"It's it true?" He looks across from me, his expression unreadable.

"Gale." I say, not wanting to meet his gaze. He walks up the steps, standing only a few feet away, eyes meeting mine.

"Is it?" His eyes never leave mine.

"Yes. And before you-" at that moment, he crashes himself against me, holding me tightly in his arms.

"Katniss." He breathes into my hair, loosening his grip to look at me. "I don't want you to think for one second that this is a bad thing. You're happy, and I can see that." I look away, not wanting him to see the hurt forming my expression.

"And that's all I've ever wanted for you. To see you happy. Really, truly happy."

"Gale, I-" But I don't finish. He can't see me break. "Thank you." I whisper, still keeping my eyes averted.

The door opens, revealing Peeta, dressed in his khaki work pants, putting on his jacket when he stops to see me standing in front of him.

"Katniss?" He gives me a confused look as he finishes putting on his jacket, holding the door open.

"I was just about to come get you, I didn't realize you were already home." He looks across from me, over my shoulder. Gale looks up at him before he looks back at me.

"Gale?" Peeta questions, not sure what to think of what's going on.

"Peeta, hello." Gale clenched his jaw, then releases. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?" Peeta finally says, closing the door behind him, stepping towards me, placing his hand around my waist.

"Four years, actually." He replies, a slight hint of joke in his voice. "I thought I would stop by and see how everyone was." When he says 'everyone' his eyes shift to me.

"Well, it's nice to see you." Peeta's grip around me tightens, pulling me closer.

"It's nice to be back. Everyone seems happy." I can see Gale's jaw tighten, but I choose to ignore it.

"Well, would you like to come inside? I made enough food for you to join us." Peeta says gently, leading me inside; Gale following behind.

The three of us sit around our round, mahogany dining table in the dining room, the light from the setting sun dimming to a dull glow. We don't talk for awhile, though, just soak in each other's presence. I enjoy the silence.

"So, Gale." Peeta starts, crossing his arms over his chest. "How's everything going down in District 2?"

"It's going pretty well. Beete and I have been working on more special weaponry." I look down at my shaking hands, not wanting to make eye contact.

"That's a pretty big deal, I suppose." Peeta says, looking at me.

"Must have taken a lot to get to the position you're in right now." I look up, my eyes threatening to water.

"Yeah, must have." I say, getting up and pushing my chair into the table, walking away from them. I'm about to walk up the stairs when Peeta grabs my arm, stopping me, pulling me to face him.

"Katniss." I look up, not letting my tears fall yet.

"I have to be alone right now. I can't be around him. I-" he pulls me into a hug, stopping me mid-sentence.

"I'm not asking you to. I just want to make sure you're ok. That you're going to be ok." I nod my head.

"Please, stay." He begs me, but I just can't.

"I just can't be around him. I can't think about that right now." I walk away and up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door behind me.

* * *

I find myself on the floor of the bathroom, my knees curled up to my chest, my head in my hands. I wrap my arms around my stomach, rubbing my belly, wishing so bad I could see and hold him.

I'm sick. So sick. I don't know how long it's been, and I honestly don't care. I've become so sick of myself, I can't even think straight. I've become so eaten up by my own emotions, so distraught. I can feel myself being pulled under into darkness, but refusing to let it consume me.

My state of mind is unhealthy, thinking so much on what could happen, what could go wrong. I've shut myself out completely, not wanting to see or hear from anyone. Seeing anyone can tear me apart, threatening torture. I'm full of such remorse, tortured by guilt that threatens to kill me.

I slip. Sobs rack my entire body, my screams echo throughout the room. I bury my face in my knees, trying to muffle my strangled cries. My body shakes uncontrollably, shivering at the touch of the cold, tiled floor. I can hear noises coming from somewhere, but I don't care. I ignore the presence that enters the room, keeping my head down, my arms wrapped around my knees.

I'm being lifted from the floor, someone's carrying me into the bedroom, placing me on the bed. I feel hands holding my face, forcing me to look at them. Peeta.

"Katniss.." He whispers, pulling me close to him, trying to stop my shaking body. He wipes the tears from my eyes, kissing my forehead.

"Peeta-" He cuts me off. "Katniss, you don't need to talk. I need you to focus on me. Only me."

I do. I stare at him for what could be forever. I trace my fingers along his face, memorizing every line, every scar that is part of him. Looking at him as if he is the only person left in the world. He holds me as close as he can, his grip me unmoving. He talks to me about how much he loves me, how I deserve so much better.

"You need to be happy. You deserve all the happiness in the world." He looks at me with so much passion, nobody could doubt his love for me.

"I love you so much. You know that." I say, not wating to cry anymore.

"I don't deserve you. I don't."

"Katniss. You are crazy if you think you don't deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you." I stare at him, smiling.

"Peeta. You have absolutely no idea. I would be nothing without you." I nuzzle my head against his chest, but he raises my head to look at him.

"You are so beautiful. So unbelievably beautiful. You are so perfect, and I can't believe you are mine." He reaches down and rubs my stomach, smiling.

"And we're having a baby. WE are having a baby. I wouldn't want anything else in the world." I smile, he kisses me on my forehead, then my nose, then my lips. He hovers there for a few seconds before breaking away.

"I love you so much." I whisper, trying to focus on nothing but him.

"I can't imaging my life without you in it. You are so perfect. Perfect for me." He kisses me again, pulling me closer. I focus on our breathing, and the feeling of his heartbeat against my ear.

"Peeta, you can't imagine your life without me in it because if you weren't in my life, I wouldn't want to be here. I don't want to live in a world without you." I say quietly, not wanting him to see me right now.

"Kat, don't say that. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that. Your life is more precious than you think. Please don't say you wouldn't want to be here." I look up at him through watery eyes.

"I love you so much." I finally say, holding him as close as I can, never wanting to let go.

"I love you too."

I smile against his chest, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.


End file.
